I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
So this shipmate of mine somehow managed to throw up in his back pocket.
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
dont iron anything. we fucked on the ironing board. details to follow.
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
My apologies. I'll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future.
It was a strange night. I made out with his college roommate and said "do you care?" beforehand.
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
Randomize
