I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
These shoes are like walking on sunshine and labias. So soft and squishy
someone to text and fuck? since when does that constitute a relationship?
since 2006
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
the conference was great. we had to hide the acid in a planter in front of the department of agriculture though
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
I'm not sure if 14 year old me would be disappointed or proud that I fucked him behind her middle school??
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
her nickname was handjob. I knew what i was getting into.
Randomize
