Coming down off exstacy at a church event. Resisting the urge to dance to the church hymns.
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
There is a hatefuck that has the destruction level of an atom bomb raging through my viens just aching to vaporize her.
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
All I've been thinking about for the past 12 hours is sex and SEAWORLD
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
2 weeks into this dating someone with money thing and I already don't know if I can go back to the being poor life
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
Randomize
