i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
The mystery has been solved. Seagulls have sex doggy-style.
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
you should break up with her....give her the gift of reality
I vaguely remember making out with his tattoo (?) and giving him an awesome massage and then I passed out on his floor. Shrug
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
You had me at "let me see your balls"
It's now officially the Christmas season, so I have no shame in drinking evernog.
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
Randomize
