In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
he urdandictionary'ed 'tease' on his phone and made me read through all the definitions. Am i really that bad?
You slept in the bed with him... with your top off.... and just made out with him....
Yes..we had amazing sex that I have a 50 percent chance of remembering.
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
his finger was half off and he was more concerned that he wasnt at home shooting cucumbers out of his potato gun.
Yeah. Got a major ego boost when she said she felt like she had just fucked King Arthur. Buying some donuts later to celebrate with, wanna join?
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
where did we go last night? there's dollar bills all over my room & they're all wet.
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
And then she proceeded to tell us that blowing your brother made her feel like part of the family. At this point you were still pretending to be a cat. Need I give another reason she can't live with us?
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