It was laundry day and I was wearing last xmas undies. he took one look and went...you's a ho, ho, ho. my response you ask? for less dough, dough, dough. I'm a slut.
with a sacreligious after taste.
weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
Needless to say they were not happy to find out that we braided their hair together, when one of them woke up needing to puke bad
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
Omg one side of my Labia is asleep. Has that ever happened to you?
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
Got high again and all I want to do is wave this flag around
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
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