I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
I have no idea what those words in that order meant, but if you go to Florida send me pics of strippers
Like I want to yell at him for pissing on my floor but there's still a chance its my pee....
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
And the last thing I remember was you in the bed with the german guy screaming "wrong hole" I laughed n passed out
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
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