I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
You should dream of me :)
I'm going to dream of single life.
Dude, we have the same penis size. Best friends for life.
This girl looks like a mixture of kathy griffin and bill walton. i havent decided if that is a good thing.
is it sad that whenever i need to spell "independent" i still sing that one rap song?
If it looks like I didn't change from last night, it's because I didn't.
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
Did i tell you that he's legal and i got his number? Because he's legal and i got his number. THIS BITCH AIN'T GOING TO JAIL YET
If everything else in my life fails, at least I just had one of my top orgasms
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
Randomize
