he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
I want to see you in more than a weed delivering capacity
So i do have strep. My apologies to the british guy from this weekend. You now have one more reason to hate america
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
OH HAPPY DAYS YOU'RE BOTH GINGERS YOU'LL REPRODUCE YOUR OWN KIND
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
I still don't like him. I'm also filled with alcohol, so I'll revisit the statement in the morning.
I threw up outside. Then I peed got off the toilet and threw up. While I threw up u pulled up my pants. Not my best moment
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