Definitely just saw the guy I went on a date with Friday night dressed in medeival knight gear on the quad preparing for battle. Oh my God.
My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
Acid flashbacks - fact or fiction? Have been seeing a surprising amount of sparkly shit this afternoon...
Yo send me the pic of me stickn my dick in the paint bucket last night
karaoke mosh pit has descended into fisticuffs, send backup
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
how does that bad decision feel?
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
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