Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
I know it sounds like a good idea, but doing Spanish homework at a bar just because the owners are Mexican and they give us margaritas really wasn't the best decision.
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
Is it penis luge time yet?
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
the day has come. I have finally reached the point in my life where I just don't give a fuck about anything anymore. it's beautiful!
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
Neighbour is sobbing. Difficult to masturbate.
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
Noo not in a booty call way, in a 'How are your abs and penis doing today?' sort of way.
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
Randomize
