is your mom at the bar?
so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
Don't worry. I has chaperone.
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
You may have graduated college on time, but my 6th year ass gets to see awesome tits every day just for showing up.
todays sighting is titled: Bum taking pictures with an invisible camera.
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
Decided in my tanked state last night purchase 2 weeks worth of xanax, so I can guess my way thru this week and finals. Soberly, I decided it would be a great way to test my knowledge of finance.
Shawn wouldn't stop singing about his cock on the ride home that night it freaked my girlfriend out how consistent he was
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
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