wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
Found a bar with a washer and dryer and they serve food. I never have to leave
wait one more day. tuesday is my official "i hit on you and/or we hooked up this weekend" friend request day.
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
Just saw the guy with the plastic bag on his head riding his bike again...
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
Congrats. You are not detrimental enough to my psyche to be discussed during this mornings therapy appointment. Please follow up next week to see if you made the cut.
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
The crooked penis I maybe could have looked past...but no foreplay? Deal breaker.
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
Well you got kicked off a stripper pole. They said girls only.
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
Randomize
