legit been throwing up since 7am. told my parents the two bowls of puke in my dorm were soup
mondays should just be called national damage control day
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
Cant get off the floor. Need more beer. Send help.
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
Randomize
