and then I told him he looked like the Gordon's Fisherman dude. I don't think he thought it was funny, because he 'forgot' to pay for my beer.
Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
This is the guy who showed up to the first day of class with a 24 pack of coke and a handle of rum in his backpack. He doesnt play by normal people rules.
I mean if she was naked in my room I would talk to her
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
I'm really proud of myself for not blacking out yet this weekend!
It's a Thursday.
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
Idk I saw a cheetah print onesie and it reminded me of your Lion King fantasy.
Randomize
