I really like you and I'm tired of just hooking up. I want you be my boyfriend.
Uhh, I'm not breaking up with my girlfriend to be with you.
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
If I sleep with another Spanish guy it is officially renamed my senor year.
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
I remember key bumps, porn and a mom in my bed. Sums up my day.
that is an amazing summary hahaha
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
They were so huge my eyes were just drawn to them. Boob gravity man.
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
he's a fucking beast. people that don't even know him have started calling him "puke and raleigh"
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
Tinder recommend to a friend: making threesomes easier since 2016
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
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