it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
I may be a little high but I'm pretty sure my alphabet soup has only Os in it
We call that spaghetti Os
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
i'm going through the NYU 2014 group looking for future drunken hookups. too slutty?
How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
Climbing onto the roof in a dress and high heeled boots was probably not the best idea, especially after all that Bacardi.
I need to stop smoking. I just talked to corn.
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
Do they sell "congrats in losing your virginity!" cards and do they come in gay?
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
i mean hes a break dancing puerto rican, how do you think the sex was?
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
Randomize
