RAWRRRR IMA PURPLE DINO
dude i'm sitting right next to you.. stop texting me
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
Neil John just started open mouth kissing everyone to make sure they are safe.
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up
I've just had my first cup of coffee in a month and I moaned at the first drink and honestly I think this is the most sexual expreiance in 6 months
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
Also, feel like I need to install a nanny cam to remind myself what I did the night before.
Randomize
