You should dream of me :)
I'm going to dream of single life.
at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
there's chicken and sequins in our bathroom sink. part of me almost wants to know what happened
I have no idea. I woke up naked on someones toilet locked in the bathroom with two baby kittens.
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
It's 7am. I'm sitting on the curb in last nights clothes with a nose bleed and no idea how to get home. Low moment I feel.
I'm hammerd and his penis is still the size of a giraffe's neck
Lol, maybe a little bit. I don't know. I don't keep a super keen memory log of dicks honestly.
Randomize
