My cousin just told me i smelled good. She must like the smell of cum.
whore
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
i wanted to ask her what his dick looked like but i thought that would be weird for the first time i met her
Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
I just got peed on. This karma circle is starting to get vicious.
I've been timing it. He's been showering alone for 33 minutes. 4 minutes ago, he said "truth or dare." haven't heard anything since.
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
I don't know. Something about answering "what did you do on Sunday?" Seems odd when the reply is, painted, went to the grocery store, put a restraint device on my bed.
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
Come cuddle! I'll be passed out somewhere in the library. It'll be like a scavenger hunt!
Randomize
