Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
Yeah. I found my shirt from last night while walking back to the bar to get my purse/phone this morning. I'm never going to even ask what actually happened. Be glad you moved 7 states away.
I am a bad person
You slept with him. Was it good?
I wasnt going to but I was too lazy to blow up the air mattress
Randomize
