why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
It's almost like sex with her has gotten boring... like it's still good, but the creativity is lacking... it's times like these that i wish she still wanted me to gag her
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
Got home to the hotel 3hrs ago per texts sent not in english to not a full phone number
Woke up on the floor with shoes on my hands...I'd say it was a success
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
you never un-have a 4some
COCAINE AND SUSPENSFUL BBC SHOWS DO NOT WORK.
How don't you remember..? You were getting handfuls of skittles out from our bra screaming TASTE THE RAINBOW.
I love that you put so much thought and effort into your nudes
I don't send half assed nudes. Go big or go home.
FINE I guess I'll just drink regular coke like a PLEBIAN.
Randomize
