franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
talking dirty on facebook chat is the new phone sex.
She made a list of the things each of us had done wrong and assigned a point system. Guess who came out the loser?
Is there anything medically wrong with drinking beer from a vagina?
How did the beer even get there in the first place?
That's not what's important right now
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
Lets go see if some hobos will give us a prostate massage for a 40 ounce.
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
Honestly no idea how dad figured out i did all that gay porn unless he was looking at gay porn.
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