it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
and when he finished he started shouting "swim boys SWIM"
just used a caramelizing gun to spark a bowl, i don't think today could get much better than this.
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
all i could think about while he was eating me out was how pretty his eyelashes were
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
I know it's just really hard to give up sex and cigs during a blizzard
I’m a go ahead and fuck down ATL. So when I leave in January I’ll have no regrets.
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
Well, he was practically tripping over his dick to get to me so I'd say my new dress was successful
I think I'm the first girl to break a bed with a guy, without even having sex with him while doing so.
Randomize
