i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
You're not required to sleep with every guy that spends $10 on you.
Dude, she's the greatest salesman alive. she convinced chelsea to buy a box of Cheerios for $20. She can find your dick some willing pussy.
him and the cab driver we buy e from got into a fist fight, about which show is better, futurama or family guy.
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
No worries, I've prioritized my homework into "can do drunk" and "should be sober" categories. We're good.
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
also, I think I lit my hair on fire when I got home..
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
Randomize
