i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
she was mega hot - except for the poop under her fingernails
please come you make the beer taste better
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
he had a blacklight sublime poster, of course i had to do him.
I think I may be stoned foreverrrrrrrrr. The earth has been around for a long time.
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
Is your gma going to be okay with me passed out drunk on the ground
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Randomize
