so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
I was just expressing concern for your pickle consumption.
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
I haven't even booked my flights yet and I have my drug supply sorted
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
I think I caught your cold through my vagina. It was worth it.
he cock-blocks himself, don't try to make excuses for him!
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
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