i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
i have a dinosaur tramp stamp
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
Her roommate "grounded" her because she drunkenly tried to fill their fish tank with vodka
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?
So Blakes coming home... so if youre like fingerbanging the shit out of yourself on the kitchen table...wrap it up
he told me he wanted me to go see his cat. apparently i was more interested in playing with his cat then having sex.
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