If I am going to throw out this whole "born again virgin" thing...i'm not going to do it on someone who is less than 5 inches.
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
Don't think anyone else in the building has a lunchbox full of yay
Hey there's a sandwich in there too!
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
Want to go home, so casually slip my underwear in his pocket. Never seen him grin so big and say goodbye to his friends.
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
Its a holy bong. We had to bless the holy bong water.
Sincerely. Thanks. You could have thought of anyone sitting on your face but you chose me. :)
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
I'll give you one guess. It has a cock and I want it
Randomize
