there should be a rule against ugly people hooking up.
yeah...but then what would the ugly people do? hook up with pretty people? yeahhh..don't see that happening in the near future. plus i'm not okay with that.
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
Being the only woman in a triathlon group - it's a penis paradise.
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
my dad just liked my status about my bowl being stolen even he feels my pain
Randomize
