So I went out tonight...met a guy who slightly resembled my dad,huge creeper, he asked me to "hang out" so I gave him my moms number since he was more her type:)
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
i have my own cum on my nose right now. don't talk to me about "embarrassed".
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
Haha yeah that's basically it. He was like "i've always had a thing for you, and even sober i still would do and feel the same way." so glad to know i am worthy of a sober hookup as well.
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
So heartbroken my rebound has a rebound
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
Dude, fate has brought her to your penis.
It was crazy man, at one point after already going 3 rounds I tried to breakaway for a smoke...she yanked me by the nipple hair back on top of her.
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
Do you knowhow much it sucks to puke in an automatic toilet? Not fun.
Ew.
It takes talent let's just say that
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