My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
Ha i know. My vag can't go too crazy for a boy halfway across the country. It doesn't have that good of range
One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
I justified spending $400 stocking my bar to my sister by saying it was an investment
Personally I think it's a tremendous investment
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
Just had a VERY VIVID visualization of wrapping a pizza around my cock and fucking its brains out. Soooooo less weed more dates?
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
He just got out of surgery, almost died from shooting him self with an arrow.
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
Randomize
