Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
Redeem this text for a blowjob
I wouldnt endorse that guy if he was walking in a walkathon to raise money for a disease i had
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
My password hint says "not sunset, also facebook." i need to stop doing computer things while high. I will never figure this clue out.
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
nothing can ever be as bad as the night i blacked out, updated my fb status to i need a pity fuck and then passed out for 13 hours.
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
My vagina bone hurts from grinding on that dude so hard.
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
Randomize
