What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
it never fails, everytime he manages to fuck my earrings out of my ears.
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
He tried to eat me out...through my pants.
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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