Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
lets go to sea world and you can just hit on every guy in a wetsuit until you get lucky
Would you consider masturbating to Hocus Pocus an adulthood high or low?
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
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