Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
You should get sea herpes
I mean sea horses
When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
It's a good thing i didn't end up pregnant...i would have had to figure out his last name.
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
I was fingering her and they busted into my room demanding to know who the best running back was, before I could say anything she moaned and said "Barry Sanders"
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
