So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
I slept with him to see his dog one last time
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
I'm stealing this baby.
Well I always support illegal activity but where would you put it?
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
Something I can get at drive through, boobs out, don't want to get out of the car
I threw up in the shower. I cleaned it all up and there is on mess at all. This hangover has become borderline religous. Powerful and life changing.
I came so hard I went blind for a few seconds.
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Randomize
