Well now I have my semen on her headphones
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
So yeah you need to stop having near death experiences at McDonalds.
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
The only reason I can fathom that you've been able to continue to date new people this long is that women continue to become of age each year, and the younger ones don't know any better.
We dug deep emotionally while eating cereal
No more weed for you
He said "just hugs" and ran away screaming.
So it may have been laced, sue me.
But the real reason your aunt is drunk crying is because she has already had four margs and went for a 5th and someone is trying to stop her
we found her. shes in the bathtub full of raw pasta. i dont even know...
Randomize
