She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
Give me the approximate price and I'll give you the equivalence in blowjobs.
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
Finished sriting an apology letter to my liver 2 weeks before st. Patricks game on
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
Also, the greatest of ironies: I got shampoo confiscated by security while Corey managed to get pot through. MERICA!
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
I just saw a guy walking up the stairs with his dick out his pants. I let him know, and he just looked down in shock, laughed, and continued walking up the stairs.
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
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