he was lying next to me and i saw him text "score" to someone.
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
he was really really nice, and I did coke off of his dong that night too
Randomize
