My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
I was born in the year of the cock... How fitting.
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
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