one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
now I know why they wanted me to come. apparently gay guys are stripper magnets
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
Our DD will meet us there. The strippers are sending a limo to pick him up. He promised them New Years Eve massages. Said he would still drive us home.
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
Is it a problem if I'm trying to condition Goodbye Horses to trigger an erection?
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
I wanna hang out. The cats don't talk back.
We decorated the tree, drank wine, and he went down on me with Christmas music on in the background. Christmas IS coming.
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
Randomize
