im trying to pick out the cookie crumbs from my adderall. it is a lot harder than it seems.
im dirt poor will suck dick for halloween costume
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
I actually want to work out for some reason... I think it's my brains way of telling me it doesn't like living in a fat body.
Still not over the fact that we prayed to Jesus to help us win beer pong
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
He fingerfucked me in the hot tub and then we had sex in the wine cellar. See thats why I like partying with rich people
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