The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
I'm ready for my liver to be the last casualty of 2009
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
tonight i'm going for the "i fuck with the lights on" look
Don't count me out just yet. Considering bartering a blowjob to see if that boy from work will take my shift.
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
I just saw a guy faceplant off a unicycle while holding a saxophone, while his buddy riding another unicycle and sporting a flute rode by laughing
Only at UConn...
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