totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
deryk tried to steal your screen door and i think sam and brent are duct taping lauren to the diving board.
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
Maybe he injected his testicle?
When he was going down on me I referred to him as "Lord Snow" and HE GOT IT. HE GOT THE GAME OF THRONES REFERENCE. I AM IN LOVE
Some how my underwear was hanging from the antlers of a antelope head on the wall of the hotel........
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.
Randomize
