lets just use each other and get past this awkward stage. forget my name.
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
Typing up notes at the bar and doing shots with the bartender until close on a Wednesday. This is what my second year of law school has become.
I guess she fell asleep at the strip club and the other one was crying because she had a vagina in her face. Happy 21st!
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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