we didnt fuck last night. again. seriously, his place is like where dreams go to die.
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
I just saw fred flintstone in my fruity pebbles!
what drugs are you on?
none, cept for the pain medication i got prescribed by the doc: it said 2 pills every 3 hours, but I took 6 cuz i'll be away from home later
she moaned out jack bauer's name while i was banging her...
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
he said he wished i had balls so he could kick me in them. then we had sex obviously
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
And the cops are back. At least my pants are on this time
You're 21st was epic. I woke up at 6 a.m. on the floating beer pong table in the pool with a beer still in hand. Didn't even spill any
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
I can't believe the MLB is making the NHL look good.
Randomize
