His moose knuckle keeps winkin at me
Call it a failed empirical study as to whether drugs would make her more interesting. or at least better in bed.
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
i just got so high i needed a buddy system to the kitchen
We argued about the championship during sex. Absolutely the manliest moment of my life.
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
Friends don't let friends drunk sleep in the dorm common room
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
I like your optimism Chelsea but I'm not about getting my salad tossed
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
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