I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
Just heard the new 'We are the world' ... Can I get my 10 bucks for Haiti back?
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
Hahaha alright after 5 shots I'm not allowed to touch glass or boys with girlfriends.
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
I just want to know who nailed the chicken nugget to the door.
I gave up. I'm crying over my notes. Oh, ya know, just another drunk finals week
We had sex in the bathroom. Good sex. Toilet breaking sex.
No one ever gets any after sleeping with her. She is like the broken mirror of hookups, enjoy 7 years of blue ball. Don't say I didn't warn you
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
Okay, so is being determined to have my vagina licked by a woman on Valentine's day an acceptable goal?
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
Trying to decide if I'm relieved or disappointed that I didn't receive any fuck boi calls on nye
Randomize
