YOU GOT EVICTED FROM A TRAILER PARK!?!? WTF!!!!!
You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
Shark Week. Kick off begins Sunday. The drinking game has been upgraded to include jumping/breaching sharks and Jake's not allowed to bring the harpoon. Period.
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
Whatever. I'll take my new fine ass dick sucking nails elsewhere.
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
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