you screamed 'he won't go on a date with me, but he gave me a free junior chicken'
well imagine, me dating the manager equals free junior chickens for everyone
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
yeah, that's what i said too. right before i tackled that street sign.
Please write a memoir and name it "Game Boy and Dick Stuff"
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
But seriously I might need help getting spray paint off of my body.... But don't worry about the penis I scrubbed him already
I'm experimenting with sincerity
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
Randomize
