i just won a 100 dollar gift card to walmart in a karaoke contest...i love kentucky
he was wearing 3D glasses the whole time.
The last thing I remember is you asking me how to grow french fries.
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
I came home ate all of my roomates poptarts and then vommited on her duvet cover. I don't think today is the day to suggest the whole "sex instead of rent money" idea
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
I smell like fire and strippers. Successful sunday funday.
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
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