Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
Drinking down Plan B with a 5 hour energy. Winding down welcome week in style.
Bible prof is the guy I made out with at the gay bar on the fourth. He doesn't remember.
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
He made me put my cow print vest and my cowboy hat from my ' sheriff woody' costume and said I'll show you a woody. What I charmer huh!? I love make up sex
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
If he's gonna send me dick pics; he should at least zoom in to make it look bigger.
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
soo... how was my night?
You fucked him, didn’t you?
He showed up at my house with tacos, rum and a negative Covid test. Of course I fucked him. I’m just a simple girl that likes tacos, not Margaret Thatcher!
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