She told me that she had to rub her face against me because she was part cat.
he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
I just got a Community College debit card in the mail. My failure has been materialized.
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
My fake id got more birthday sex than I've had in my life.
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
Also I've been at work for an hour and I've already been "honey"d "babe"d and "beautiful"d by three separate men. Apparently hungover with yesterdays make up looks good on me.
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
you'll kiss me after i give you a blowjob but you wont kiss me after I eat apple sauce? am I the only one who sees something wrong with this?
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
Randomize
